


She looks at me like I'm everything I'm not

by Lilbug



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, Idiots in Love, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Trust Issues, i mean it gets better in any way, kinda angsty at first, might i mention this was for a friend, not too much angst, okay there was more angst than i expected, those tags make it seem bad but, uhhh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-12
Updated: 2019-07-12
Packaged: 2020-06-26 20:55:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19776247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilbug/pseuds/Lilbug
Summary: When she looks at me, it's like I'm the only person she sees.And I'm not sure if I deserve that.





	She looks at me like I'm everything I'm not

**Author's Note:**

> brief uhh disclaimers;  
> \- i made this for a friend   
> \- they happened to want more cheronica so i provided   
> \- i have never watched riverdale  
> \- i mostly just got personalities from the wiki/people who have watched riverdale and hoped for the fucking best  
> \- no clue if this is 1000% accurate bUt,, shhhh

She looks at me like I have stars in my eyes and like I'm holding the Earth with one hand. She looks at me like my smile means the entire world to her, and that she'd do anything to see it again. Like she _needs_ it. She looks at me like I'm the fucking answer to life, and that she's the only one who's unlocked it. She looks at me like I'm the biggest secret of the universe, and I- 

I don't know how much I _deserve_ it. I don't know what she's up to, because would someone like _her_ love someone like _me_? If it was me, I wouldn't look twice at myself. I'd never even _consider_ dating her, I'd run as far as possible. She shouldn't love someone like me, because she deserves someone better. She doesn't deserve me - not in the snotty, egotistical bitch way. The way in which she deserves better. Someone more open, more affectionate. Someone who isn't afraid to turn around and expose her neck, just in case. Someone who isn't terrified of every little jerk of a hand, or the raising of a voice. Someone who isn't completely terrified that she'll leave me. I'm afraid. I'm so..so scared. I'm afraid that she'll leave me for Betty, or Toni, or Archie, or Jughead, or anyone else who is better. Anyone. Anyone. And I just..I need to know that she won't, but she tells me that she won't all the time. And I just can't make myself believe her. I want to. I want to believe her so badly. I _love_ her, or at least I think I do. I've never felt so close to someone in my entire life. I trust her. I know she won't tell my secrets, and I _do_ know that, it's just...days like these, I don't. I don't believe her, or that she cares, or anything she tells me. I don't believe her. 

I want to make it known that _I_ love _Veronica Lodge_ , and that she loves me, and that there's no doubts about that. Because some days I _know_ that without a doubt. I know that she'll keep coming home smelling like coffee and _her_ , and we'll be fine. But other days I hate myself, and her, and her for lying to me, even if I know she isn't. I know that she isn't, _I_ know that. But some part of me doesn't, and that's enough for the entirety of me to start losing trusts in the singular person I trust the most. I love Veronica more than the entire world, more than anyone else I know. But that stupid..that _one_ stupid fucking part of me says that I don't, and that she doesn't love me either. I don't even know when it's gonna pipe into our relationship and tell me that she hates me, that it's all fake, and that she's using me. And it's even worse when I want to be hugged, or reassured that everything's fine. But it just makes it _worse_ , because those are more things I stop believing. 

_"It's okay, I love you. We can work through this, no matter how long. I love you."_ Sounds more like,

 _"I don't care. You're a worthless piece of shit who will never get better. I'll stay until I get bored."_ I close my eyes, and feel the couch sink under my weight. I don't remember sitting down, or even going to our living room, but I guess I did. I wrap my arms around myself, pulling my knees closer to my chest. If I can just fucking forget everything that's happened, and just hope to god that I can let Veronica in..maybe I'll be unbroken. Maybe I'll finally be worth something to her, something to the girl I love the most. I just want to be _normal_. I just want to be _alright_ , and _fine_ , and not have to _lie_ about it. Veronica says that I don't have to, and I _know_ that, I just..I can't stop. It's second nature now, and it's slowly becoming first. I want to be able to kiss her without feeling terrified that Mom will be there behind me. I want to be able to hold her hand out in public, without having to look behind me every step of the way. I want to be able to hug her when I feel sad, or just hug her in _general_ , without feeling like she'll stab me in the back. I feel..tears. I can feel them. Each individual one. Maybe I've cried so much that I've gotten used to it. Maybe I'm just that pathetic. Maybe it's not worth remembering, what they feel like. Maybe I'm not wor-

"Hey, Cheryl, I'm home," Veronica calls, and I can smell coffee, drifting in slowly. I bury my head deeper into my legs. She doesn't need to see me like this. She doesn't need to see me period. I try not to be loud. I try _so_ hard, but I can hear a sob escape my lips, and all I can think of is how fucking _pathetic_ that is. "Che-" Veronica frowns when she sees me. I can tell, because her voice drops. Her voice only drops that hard and fast when she frowns. "Cheryl, oh god, what's the matter?" She knows what's the matter. She has to know. Veronica always knows. "Cheryl, hey," she sits next to me, gently reaching her hand out. I know this, because she's done this before. "Can I..?" I just nod, swallowing. "Are you sure?" I nod again. I know she'll do it _anyways_. No..no, she wouldn't. If I said no, she wouldn't touch me. I can say _no_. I squeeze my eyes shut even more as she wraps her arms around me, pulling me closer to her. I rest my head on her chest, hearing her heart. It's...not normal. She's...she's scared. Her heart sounds like mine, when I can't focus, or..get like this. "Cheryl, what happened, baby? What's wrong?" 

I open my eyes slowly, meeting hers. "I.." I take a deep breath. It's _alright_ , she won't rush me. It's fine. "I thought you.." I pause. I don't know if I can finish that. What if she gets angry? She _won't_ , but what if she _does_? "I thought you hated me." 

"Oh, Cheryl," it's not the mocking tone I'm used to. "I..I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," the apologising is the worst part. Because _she_ doesn't need to apologise, it's _me_ who needs to. "I wish I could have been there for you before everything. I _want_ to be here for you, right now. And I know that it's hard for you. But..I'm here. I promise. I'm here no matter how long it takes. I love _you_ , Cheryl Blossom. _Forever_. Because I love you, and I want you to know that you're..literally fucking everything to me, like, you're the fucking sun. You are literally the _sun_ , Cheryl, you are _my_ sun. I-" Veronica's going to stop being so fucking dumb and sweet to take back that hint of possessiveness. I feel...so much better. I roll my eyes up at her, and kiss her chin.

"Don't apologise, Ver. I love you." 

I swear to god, _she's_ the sun, with the way she smiles. "I love you too." We stay there for a solid hour and a half, doing nothing but..getting those walls down. Sometimes we talk, other times we just sit there and lay still with the other.

She looks at me like I'm the sun. She looks at me like I'm the best thing that's ever happened to her, and she looks at me like she'd move heaven and earth for me. She looks at me like I'm the answer to the mysteries of everything we've ever wondered ever. She looks at me like I'm the person she loves the most. 

And I hope to _god_ that she sees that I look at her the same, even if I don't always show it. 


End file.
